


Bathtime Buddies

by kyrrann



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alistair plays with his duckie, Bathing/Washing, Comedy, Ducks, F/M, Humor, Naked Alistair is Naked, Naked Fighting, Naked Zevran, Not that kind of duckie, Shrinkage, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8987815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: Alistair takes a bath in order to impress his fellow warden, Elissa Cousland, and is rudely interrupted by a ridiculously awesome assassin.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheChampion04](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChampion04/gifts).



The moonlight reflected off of the surface of the small lake, water rippling around its lone occupant. After enduring numerous comments regarding his body odor, Alistair decided now was a good time to take a bath. The lake was a brisk five minute walk from the group's camp site, and he was desperate to make a good impression on his fellow Warden, Elissa. His thoughts drifted to the rose in his pack that he’d picked up in Lothering. He wanted everything to be perfect when he presented it to her.

“Scrub-a-dub-dub!” he sang merrily to himself as he washed his muscular body with a small, soapy cloth. He submerged himself in the cool water to rinse off the suds and emerged seconds later clutching a small, wooden duck. “Swim little duckie! The big, bad monster is almost upon you! Argh!”

He reached over to grab a floating toy ogre doll he purchased from a trader, for which Morrigan teased him mercilessly. Her words rattled around in his brain as he continued to play: _You know she will never see you as a man until you give up such childish things._

“Yeah, well at least I’m not an evil witch,” snarled Alistair to himself before chasing the wooden duck with the toy ogre. “Oh no! It’s not just an ogre, it’s an evil witch ogre named Morrigan. And she smells really bad too! Like ... like … stinky cheese! And not the good tasting stinky cheese, but the nasty stinky cheese that nobody likes.”

Alistair was so intent on his playful banter, he didn’t hear footsteps approaching. A blond-haired elf appeared from behind the trees and stood at the edge of the lake.

“Hello, Alistair,” Zevran called out, amused look on his face. “When you said you were coming down to the lake to take a bath and play with your duckie, I did not expect that you meant exactly that.”

Alistair looked up and tried to hide his toys behind his back. “Hey! What right do you have to invade another man’s bathtime? That’s really rude! Um, did you see anything?”

“Not to worry, my friend,” Zevran reassured him as he took off his boots. “I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again. And I will emphasise to your dear Gray Warden that is the case as well.”

“Good.” Alistair crossed his arms and pursed his lips. “And what do you mean by ‘my Gray Warden’? She’s not my anything.”

Zevran shook his head and continued to disrobe. “Tsk, tsk. Not true. I see the way you look at her with those long lingering glances. The way you sigh and hang on her every word. You have it bad, my friend. But it is quite understandable. She is a very sexy woman. I bet you would love for her to play with your duckie, no?”

“She is more than welcome to play with my duckie if she wants to,” Alistair replied, reaching out to pick the duck out of the water. Suddenly his face turned red. “Wait. We’re still talking about the dolls, aren’t we?”

Zevran laughed as he continued to disrobe. “Surely the idea is not so undesirable?”

A look of horror flashed across Alistair’s face. “How dare you say such things! Elissa is a lovely woman and I would never invite her to the lake to … to…”

“Ah, to be youthful and innocent again,” Zevran reminisced as he took off the last of his clothing. He put both hands on his hips, letting the moonlight illuminate him in all his glory.

“I’d rather not discuss…” Alistair began to protest before quickly averting his eyes upon noticing Zevran was completely naked. “What in Andraste’s name are you doing?! Can’t you see this bath is already occupied?”

Zevran put his feet in the water and slowly crept in the direction of his protesting friend. “Why not? This lake is big, is it not? We are both men. I don’t see why we can’t share it. Unless you are embarrassed. It’s okay. Many men are intimidated by my, shall we say, plentiful gifts?”

Alistair sputtered. “Intimidated?! I’m perfectly happy with my gifts, thank you very much. Find your own lake!”

Zevran’s moved closer to where Alistair stood, a mischievous grin on his face. His eyes moved from the top Alistair’s bare torso down to where the water gave a distorted view of the goods below.

Alistair screamed and placed both of his hands under the water, desperately trying to cover himself. “Don’t judge me! The water is cold,” he protested. “Shrinkage and...”

A loud noise and growling from beyond the trees on the edge of the lake rang out through the night and stopped them both cold.

“You weren’t expecting anyone else, were you?” Alistair whispered. “Maybe, I don’t know, a bear? A giant spider? Oh, I hate spiders. Please don’t be spiders,” he pleaded as he placed his two index fingers in front of his mouth mimicking fangs. “With all their hairy legs and sharp, pointed teeth. I knew I should have checked the nearby caves for giant spiders!”

As quickly as the noise came, it stopped again.

Alistair let out a deep sigh. “Maybe it’s gone now?”

A loud howl pierced the night. Alistair grabbed his duckie and held it close to his chest, panic on his face. Tiny bubbles rose to the surface of the water behind Alistair.

“Tsk, tsk,” Zevran shook his head. “And here I thought Templars were trained to be mighty warriors. Not ones to soil their trousers at the first sight of an enemy.”

Alistair furrowed his brow and frowned. “Hey now. First of all, I have no trousers on at the moment. Second, I just had a little too much cheese earlier, is all. I can’t help it if I’m lactose intolerant!”

The bushes near the edge of the lake started to rattle, shocking them both back to silence. Zevran reached below the surface of the water and pulled out a dagger. Zevran held his fingers up to his mouth. “Shh!”

Alistair’s eyes grew large. “Zevran, you are completely naked in the middle of a lake. Where in the void did you get that dagger?”

Zevran grinned and majestically thrust the dagger above his head, “The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft this dagger from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Zevran, was...”

“Seriously, sometimes I think you are more daft than Morrigan’s mother,” Alistair interrupted, covering his eyes with his hand.

“Let’s just say that is a secret for another time, then.” Zevran winked at him. “For now, I say we find what’s making all that noise. Come Alistair, now is the time to show everyone how big a man you really are.” He glanced down and smirked. “So to speak.”

Zevran sauntered out of the lake, water dripping down his back, and motioned for his companion to follow. Not wanting to be stuck alone in the lake with monsters about, Alistair reluctantly followed, holding his duckie in front of his groin in a misguided effort to be modest.

Exiting the water, Alistair reached down to pick up his sword, which was leaned up against a stump that contained his clothing. He quickly laid his duckie on the clothes and held the sword out in front of him.

Zevran crouched down next to the stump and turned to face him. “Are you ready?”

“Ready?” Alistair responded, exasperated. “Ready for what? In case you haven’t noticed, we are both naked and there is some sort of terrible beast out there that is going to eat us. And before you say anything, I refuse to use my duckie in any manner of defense you concoct!”

Zevran wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Funny you should use that word, but no Alistair, I have no intention of touching your duckie. I know your heart belongs to another. Alas, such is the story of my life.”  He stepped out from behind the tree stump. “Come out now, you vile creature! Come and meet your doom. For I, Zevran, completely naked and vulnerable, will match you in mortal combat!”

“Mortal combat!?” Alistair whispered angrily. “Really? A little dramatic, don’t you think?”

“You, my friend, lack style,” Zevran grinned as he posed with his dagger stretched out in one hand and his other hand at his side.

Within seconds, they heard the rustling of leaves and the footfalls of a mighty beast running directly towards them. It leapt out from behind the bushes in a blurred mass, knocking Zevran on top of Alistair, both of them landing on the ground with a loud thud.  Zevran howled with laughter as the slobbering beast licked his face. “What is this!?”

Alistair, with Zevran still on top of him, looked up to see that the ‘beast’ was none other than Elissa’s Mabari warhound. “Why you stupid, smelly beast! You almost made me soil my trousers. Well, I would have if I was wearing any.”

From further up the path, Elissa appeared, holding her hand to her mouth in a futile attempt to stifle her giggles. “If you two wanted to be alone, all you had to do was say so. I just ask that you not involve my dog.”

Alistair pushed Zevran off of him and stammered, “Uh, this is not what it looks like! Unless, of course, this looks completely innocent, then it is totally what it looks like.”

Seizing the moment, Zevran put his hand on Alistair’s shoulder and murmured, “Alistair, you hurt me with your words. It was such a beautiful moment, was it not?”

Alistair stood up with lightning speed.

“It’s not like that! I mean we were in the lake together...but not together, together. We were just taking a bath! But not a bath together!” He held out his hands in front of him. “You see, I was playing with my duckie in the lake when Zevran joined. I didn’t ask him. He just joined.”

He paused, his face becoming a bright shade of red. “When I say duckie, I don’t mean that kind of duckie. I meant my...actual...duckie. Well, a wooden ducky. It’s quite adorable, really...the duck.”

Alistair pointed to the stump where he laid the duck on top of his clothes and then looked up. Elissa immediately averted her eyes..

Looking down, Alistair realized he was standing fully exposed and quickly moved his hands to cover himself. “Um, shrinkage. The water was cold.”

“Yes. I imagine it is.” Elissa replied, turning her head slightly to look at him.

“Um, if you don’t mind. I’m think I’m going to take the last bit of my dignity back into the lake and drown myself.” Alistair turned on his heel and slowly descended back into the water.

“Alistair?” Zevran called out, playfulness in his voice. “I realize this may not be the best time to ask, but would you like me to finish scrubbing your back?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a lovely piece of artwork from TheChampion04.  
> http://clarice04.deviantart.com/art/Tsk-Tsk-653028740


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